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发表于 2006-8-8 06:08:16
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引用第4楼canway2008于2006-08-03 11:07发表的“”:
我的修改意见,请查阅:
.......
这文章真是问题很多啊。看得头疼,修改加上写分析起来花时间很多,比重写都麻烦。看我这么鞭辟入里,A版给加2个威如何?
借着Canway的帖子,挑几点进一步说说。
我的意见写在大括号内:{}
【1】Shenyang green lawn areas commonly used for the conservation management. 主语不对。从中文修饰关系看,主语应该是“养护管理”。
【2】Commonly used conservation management for the green lawn area of Shenyang 主语对了。个人认为中文标题中的“常用”应该是“公用”的意思。用common 修饰 lawn,如果“常用”是修饰“养护管理”的话,中文标题应改为:沈阳地区绿化草坪的常用养护管理。或者改为:沈阳公用绿化草坪的养护管理。还有“养护管理”的术语应该是:maintenance management。本句可改为:Maintenance Management of Common Greening Lawn in Shenyang City。标题一般是名词结构的短语。
{
养护管理,这是论文中常见的中国特色的缩略词汇,翻译过来应该是 “养护 和 管理”。所以应该是 The mantainance and Management of ....
常用,这个词没错,不是公用,但是常用不太好直译,其意思不外乎是主要的,最多的,通常的,依照这个翻译就容易一些:primary, usual, most used....
绿化,这个词翻译得很恶心。可以用planting 或者 landscaping....
}
【3】The task of conserving and managing the green lawn area becomes more and more difficult along with the continuous rising of forestation level and the increase of the size of green lawn area of Shenyang. “随着…..”的状语一般是放在句首,除非主句比较短,放在前面看起来不对称的时候可以放在句尾。文中的increase作名词的比较少,多数情况下是动词用,可以改为动名词increasing,也与rising 形式一致。“conserving and managing”有点重复罗嗦。管理中是包括保护,养护等方面的。所以单独用managing 就可以了。本句可改为:Along with the continuous rising of forestation level and increasing of the size of green lawn of Shenyang City.
{
随着沈阳城市绿化水平的不断提高,草坪绿地面积增长迅速,草坪绿地养护管理任务日益繁重。
我假设这句话结构是 随着A, B, C。那么是随着A和B,导致了C呢?还是随着A, 导致了B和C呢?中文都糊里糊涂。。。。作者先修改这个再说。
另外水平这个词实在又是中国特色的东西,一般说improve, 或者level up, 翻译成英语,这个水平经常是其他的含义。
}
【4】The conservation and management for the green lawn area would enable it sustainable in service. 本句的语态Would 是虚拟语气,但个人认为“养护管理是草坪可持续利用的保证”这是一个事实,也可以是某些专家已经证明的真理。It也指代不明,是指代“养护管理”还是“草坪”不清楚。可以用This management指代前文的那种养护管理,起到承前的作用。本句可以改为:This management can enable the green lawn to be sustainable in service. 可适当加上In fact 等,读起来更有说服力。
{
句子的意思改变了。 A是B的保证,并不是A能够导致B. 一个是充分条件,一个是必要条件。比如说稳定是发展的保证,只是说有了稳定才能保证发展,但是只有稳定能不能发展呢?没表达这个意思。翻译失败。
}
【5】The reasonable and effective management should be put in force to ensure the fully exertion of the ecological benefits, economic benefits and social benefits. 文中reasonable 是“合理的,适当的,正当的”意思,一般指符合道德规范,明智的做法,符合客观事实的感觉。没有“科学的”含义。应该为:scientific,exertion是名词,副词fully不能修饰,要改为full.句末最后加上from green lawn,表明效益来源于绿化草坪。ecological benefits, economic benefits and social benefits. Benefits 用多次有点罗嗦,可以改为其他同义词或近义词如 profit, efficiency, advantage等等。或者只用一次。本句可改为:The scientific and effective management should be put in force to ensure the full exertion of the ecological, economic and social benefits from green lawn. 或者 The scientific and effective management should be put in force to ensure the full exertion of the ecological benefit, economic profit and social efficiency from green lawn. 或者应用“只有….才能实现”的句型,则改为:Only under the condition of scientific and effective management can be able to achieve the goal that the full display of ecology benefit, economic profit and social efficiency from greening lawn will come true.
{
Only..句型很不错,不过这句生硬,可以改成 Only with scientifc ......management, the benifit/profit/efficency of ...... can be fully exploited.
}
【6】The method of shaping, fertilizing, irrigation, the prevention toward pests, disease and weeds and assistant conservation that suitable for the greenlawn area has been concluded through learning and practicing. “病虫害防治”专业术语用:pest control. “杂草防除”用kill weeds. 个人认为主语应该是本文的作者。用被动语态的话,句尾的through learning and practicing 就不对了。还有两个动词learn 与practice 解释为“学习与实践”时是及物动词,须加宾语。本句可改为:Through studied and practiced the professional knowledge in this field, I summarized a general method for maintenance management of greening lawn suitable to Shenyang City, including how to prune, apply fertilizers, water, control pests and how to kill weeds and subsidiary maintenance.
{
论文摘要不用I做主语,可用this paper。
实习/实践是一码事儿,中文就不通顺。
Based on research(别说学习,就research好了) and practice, this paper 总结了 the method of pruning, ferilizing, watering, pest controlling and weeds killing that are feasible in xxxxxxx of Shenyang area.
说到这个总结,还有歧义。您老是把别人的东西总结了一下啊,还是从实践中总结出了一些自己的东西?这两个意思是完全不同的。
}
【7】Key words: the green lawn area, the conservation and management 关键词一般是主题词,个人认为应该改为 greening lawn, maintenance management. 况且关键词中都是用实词,很少用冠词及介词,还要求简洁。
{
and这样的连词也是不用的。
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